writing space for now

Today, I can finally say that I have finished all of Jane Austen’s major works. Sense and Sensibility has long been a sore point for me as a self-proclaimed Austen fan, but at long last it is now finished.

I’m not gonna go too much into all of S&S. The basics: it’s the first Austen novel published, and originally it was going to be an episotlary style novel called Elinor & Marianne. Elinor is the Sense and Marianne has a lot of Sensibility (or sensitivity, in modern language).

Together, they have to move with their family after the death of their father, because women weren’t really allowed to inherit so their brother got selfish with the inheritance. I guess this was one of Austen’s personal problems against the patriarchy, and how women should have rights to inherit property, and not just be someone else’s property.

Anyways, there is a lot of courtship and scandal in this one – more than what is usual in Austen.

My book rant today, though, is about the women in S&S. I think they are the bitchiest Austen has ever produced. For sure, mega-bitches abound in Persuasion and Mansfield Park. Of course, who can forget Caroline Bingley in Pride and Prejudice? (Arguably, Emma is the head bitch in charge in Emma.)

But S&S really takes the cake because there are so many female characters who are insipid, selfish, cruel, grovelling, and altogether despicable. Fanny Dashwood, the sister-in-law is awful and so is her mother. I really hate Lucy Steele. Anne Steele is also terrible, and Sophia Gray is frightening in her cruelty, despite having zero speaking parts. Even Lady Middleton, who barely says anything, is a bitch.

I felt lots of strong emotions about them, because they were all just awful to the sisters, especially Elinor. And Elinor deserves so much better and she is so strong. If I were Elinor Dashwood, I would have shot them all.

That is the genius Austen carries. She inspires me to hate the characters she created in the 1800s. And I’m glad that Austen never thought that the study of bitchy women was above her. In my youth, I really loved Gossip Girl (the TV series) and The Clique (novels) because as a woman, you will always encounter women who are awful so it is useful to understand their motives and their machinations.

I think awful women are rarer compared to awful men, which is why they are a little more fascinating. They do exist and generally learn the art of meanness as they grow up, and they’re the sort of girls that make you think twice about what they say to you.

Usually, I find that these women come from privilege. Rich bitches can afford to take other people down a few pegs. I think that is why Lucy Steele was extra hard to swallow because she doesn’t come from the same privilege as Fanny Dashwood or Sophia Grey.

I think that’s also why I especially love Elinor because she could see through Lucy Steele’s attempts at hurting her, and she doesn’t allow Lucy the satisfaction of seeing her upset. Elinor Dashwood wears her grown-up lady pants with integrity, and I admire and respect her for it.

On the subject of Marianne, I don’t have much to say. I’m glad she learned her lesson? She had like, three near-death experiences? Why did she end up with a 37-year old husband at the age of 19? I have so many questions, Jane.

I’ve had “Spinning Silver” by Naomi Novik downloaded on my iBooks for a year or two now, but I only read it last week.

I regret so much for putting it off that long.

Naomi Novik, I think, is a master at characters and pacing. She manages to write stuff in a way that you’re like “Give me what I want!” and she’s like “Nah, bro. Work for it. Read all 400-something pages. Then we’ll talk.”

I read her debut “Uprooted” and I’m just a big fan of Agnieszka and The Dragon. And then one day, I guess I ran out of things to do and decided to read Spinning Silver already. I finished it within the day, and I was on the edge because I was reading in bed, so I couldn’t even sleep immediately after reading. (Side-note: I finished it later than my bedtime and I could barely breathe during the last few chapters.)

The Goodreads intro reads:

“Miryem is the daughter and granddaughter of moneylenders, but her father’s inability to collect his debts has left his family on the edge of poverty–until Miryem takes matters into her own hands. Hardening her heart, the young woman sets out to claim what is owed and soon gains a reputation for being able to turn silver into gold.

When an ill-advised boast draws the attention of the king of the Staryk–grim fey creatures who seem more ice than flesh–Miryem’s fate, and that of two kingdoms, will be forever altered. Set an impossible challenge by the nameless king, Miryem unwittingly spins a web that draws in a peasant girl, Wanda, and the unhappy daughter of a local lord who plots to wed his child to the dashing young tsar.

But Tsar Mirnatius is not what he seems. And the secret he hides threatens to consume the lands of humans and Staryk alike. Torn between deadly choices, Miryem and her two unlikely allies embark on a desperate quest that will take them to the limits of sacrifice, power, and love.”

And what I really like about Naomi Novik is that she gives us a premise that is this long, because it really just barely grazes the rest of the story that she will unfold for us. Like, all of ^ that ^ is the tip of the iceberg, the surface of an epic fantasy.

Even getting through the 400-something pages, you’re still left reeling and wanting more. Compared to Uprooted, I think Spinning Silver could have done a better job at fleshing out the romantic relationships, and overall the tone and themes were definitely more mature.

Of the three characters, I like Irina (the lord’s daughter) the best. She’s kind of the Sansa Stark, minus the dumb girl-pawn arc. I mean, Irina is a pawn but she isn’t dumb. And I just appreciate that she is never really distracted from her duty, to the point of ruthlessness.

Miryem is the main character and she’s smart in a different way. Her motivations are clear, and by God, she tries her best. She really does. Wanda is also amazing in her own way, and she’s a very strong character that grows into a nurturing one. I also really enjoyed Miryem and Wanda’s partnership: sisters be doing it for themselves.

The character with the clearest voice was Tsar Mirnatius. When I say clearest voice, I mean the POV alternates between seven different people and it’s not labelled so you’re not sure who is speaking until you read through the context. But once it’s Tsar Mirnatius’ turn, you can immediately tell because he’s just this sarcastic, venomous and funny narrator.

My favorite thing about Spinning Silver is that you can identify so many fairy tale and lore elements that Novik honored. Of course, everyone mentions the Rumpelstiltskin part, but you can see bits of Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel, The Snow Queen/East of the Sun, West of the Moon, the Persephone Greek myth, a Jewish fairytale about a Golden Mountain, even Howl’s Moving Castle. It combines a lot of the things I definitely appreciated as a reader (because of who I am as a reader) and it feels good to pick-up those hints.

Definitely, Spinning Silver is more attuned to worldbuilding using stories and real cultures compared to Uprooted, and overall I highly recommend it. It’s a great read and it’s good for getting the mind to work.

Running Time: 124 minutes

This blog entry is a little overdue, but it deserves to be written anyways.

The latest adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma was much awaited by Janeites the world over, and I think it served Austen’s longest (and possibly best structured) book justice.

It follows the story closely: Emma Woodhouse – handsome, clever, and rich but also compassionate, snobbish, and complex – was played well by Anya Taylor-Joy. Emma’s one-time governess and all-time family friend Miss Taylor married, and in her loneliness, Emma adopts into their circle a Harriet Smith, who she tries to set up with various eligible men but all this meddling backfires spectacularly.

Y’know what, I probably shouldn’t dwell too much over the plot right? It’s a novel that is almost 200 years old, and anyone who has ever watched Clueless (arguably the most perfect adaptation, still) can follow the film.

There are enough Johnny Flynn fangirls on Austen Twitter these days, so I’ll talk more about the rest of the eye-candy in the film: the costumes! I’m mad for these. They are so colorful and theatrical, and they worked well with the set. It reminded me of Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette (2006) with its vivid pastel colors and period-correct silhouettes.

I took three of the movie poster costumes because I think they illustrate my point, and I don’t want to spoil the other costumes. Also, I really love these three in particular anyway.

The costume below is Emma in this pink scalloped spencer that is to die for. They really copied a lot of extant garments to recreate the 1810s, and I read somewhere that this particular garment was one of them. It’s girly, elegant, and a little elaborate – which I think lends to our imagination of Emma Woodhouse really well.

I also really love this lemon-yellow outfit she has, because I’m very fond of the shade. It’s bright and loud, and reminiscent of Cher Horowitz’s iconic yellow plaid outfit in Clueless.

I know this gown is over-the-top, but it’s very Mrs. Elton, who is fashionable, attention-seeking, and extravagant. I love the design on the hem, the shoes, and that hairdo that’s a little ahead for the period. It’s so crazy but it works really well.

Overall, this adaptation helped kick my early quarantine blues. I was really looking forward to catching it in the cinemas, so I was bummed when it turned out no one will be going to the cinemas for quite a while. Luckily, they released the movie and I think a fair number of people (including myself) got to enjoy it.

P.S. If I do have lovely readers out there, I hope you don’t miss this article that was posted on Pinned.ph. It’s something I worked on and I hope more people can read up on Moalboal, Cebu!

It is the fall of my life

After toiling in the humid heat

Under the summer sun

The leaves wither and fall

It is not a sad thing

To lose the decay

The browns, the reds, the oranges

Fall from above

Like sunset on the pavement sea

I sleep through the winter-white blanket

Of a fairy wonderland

I am a glacier

Immovable in my value

Content

I dream of spring

Aside from accepting my downward spiral into madness, I’ve taken time during this quarantine to indulge in my usual pastimes. And as I am a bored young adult with a blog of her own, I will use this avenue to take what I’ve enjoyed and foist them into the good opinion of my readers:

Read: Half a Soul by Olivia Atwater

I haven’t read a lot of books lately, I admit – but this is the first novel I’ve read in a long time that made me feel anything at all. It was described as a cross between “Pride and Prejudice” and “Howl’s Moving Castle”, so I was incredibly skeptical about it. (I love both books. And their screen adaptations.)

I’m delighted to say I was proven wrong, since it managed to blend Regency England and the magic of Howl with a great set of characters and a rare, refreshing message hidden in romance: that everyone in the world can and should do their part to rid the world of its small evils.

Plot: Theodora “Dora” Ettings had half of her soul captured by a faerie lord when she was 10-years old, ridding her intense feelings like joy, sorrow, or embarrassment. Her cousin Vanessa appeals to England’s Lord Sorcier (This version of Regency England has magic, yes.) Elias Wilder to help Dora with her affliction.

If you’re looking for a short and sweet read, this is it.

Things I’m also re/reading: Lucy Worsley’s Queen Victoria: Twenty-Four Days That Changed Her Life and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.

Watch: Because This Is My First Life

As of April 2020, Because This Is My First Life is probably my favorite K-Drama of all time. I think it’s fair to make that assessment after having watched almost 40 dramas at this point.

Plot: Because This Is My First Life follows Ji-ho and Se-hee, two 30-somethings who have housing issues, decide on a contract marriage that is really more of a landlord-tenant relationship – until it’s not and they develop real feelings for one another.

I don’t want to get in too deep into the premise because it’s simple on the surface, but there are minor characters that are also the leading characters in their own lives, and they’re very interesting too.

The seemingly banal premise gives way to a hidden depth in message and empathy in a way that I’ve never seen before in a K-Drama. I think it’s the most sincere and steadfast K-Drama I’ve watched that makes excellent points about womanhood: division of household labor, how women have to give up on dreams when they marry, dealing with in-laws, sexual harrassment, wearing a bra – all the sundry pains and inconveniences of being an Asian woman are in this drama.

Ji-ho, the female lead, graduated from a top university and desperately wants to be a writer, but her life isn’t going anywhere she wants it to. That part alone hit me on the head with a hammer by the first two episodes. Her two best friends also are going through it: one desires to be a wife and a homemaker but her boyfriend won’t settle, while the other has to kowtow to male colleagues and accept their assholishness despite being more competent than them.

I also liked that even if they went with one of my age-old favorite tropes (fake marriage), it considers the ethics of that trope and turns it around to honor the sanctity of such a commitment. It’s so rare to find a K-Drama with this much heart to it, and honestly it makes you feel like the drama was able to respect the intelligence and emotional capacities of not only its characters, but also you – the viewer.

Things I’ve also watched: Itaewon Class, A Well-Intended Love (Season 2)

Listened To: Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows

I’m a little ashamed to say that I re-watched the first two Shrek films, and that this song from the beginning of Shrek 2 has been playing over and over in my head. It’s a really cute song for a really cute sequence. Maybe I’m not that ashamed afterall. The Shrek soundtracks are bomb. Come to think of it, this song can actually apply to the two above.

That’s what I have so far, aside from learning how to cook and to garden these days. I’m really excited to go back out into the world and live my life, but if I still can’t then I’m settling for living vicariously through others and highly encourage everyone to do the same.

Dear Friend,

Yours is a warm hand on a cold day

And letting go of it 

Is the end of a good dream

I feel it in everything

In the fraying cotton I spin

In the onion skins I peel away

In the crossed out letters I tear apart

My hair reached the small of my back 

The last time you saw me

It’s almost as long again

Two, no three haircuts have passed

I’ve grown up and so have you

But in split-end directions

If you care to know, I still haven’t had a nosebleed

And now, I have a taste for wine

Send me a postscript if you want to know the lists that have grown in your absence:

Dreams

Disappointments

Fears

Heroes

Enemies

Future baby names

Albums to sing to

Bad jokes I’ve laughed at

And if not, adieu. 

Until we meet again.

With so much going on in the world, I have been writing – but not necessarily something suited for this blog. I can’t really write about anything current since everyone is quarantined at home.

With regards to my personal life, I quit my job right before what looks like a global recession will hit, so things are… swell. I have been watching a lot of different things lately, but not much time to process it all.

I was able to watch the new Emma. film, as well as Itaewon Class and Because This Is My First Life, among other things. I’m trying to read a bit every day, and exercise and practice my Mandarin. On days when I am exceptionally active, I even do research on how to write for S.E.O. and such.

But I confess that with all the uncertainty in the world, it is hard to be productive. So the best I can wish for is that everyone will stay safe and healthy and hopeful. I think hope is very important right now, wouldn’t you agree?

To be perfectly clear, I became a Shawol (SHINee fan) through my older sister. She took my head and dunked it down the Pearl Aqua swirly, and never let me go since. She has also never let me forget the fact.

My sister became a Shawol after Park Seo Joon kept gushing about Minho being a SHINee member during the Hwarang promotions. After discovering SHINee’s 1 of 1, she decided that I, her impressionable younger sister, was her primary target to turn. She even had me fly out to Singapore for their Music Bank appearance in 2018.

And honestly, there is no good reason not to like, support, and stan SHINee. I could write an essay on what a truly amazing, talented, hardworking, and devastatingly handsome group of idols SHINee is, but I’m more reflective these days.

I’ve been thinking about how SHINee got me through a lot of hard tines. Their song “A-yo” which is famously cringey, really made me feel hopeful throughout college. So your grades suck and your love life is a mess? A-yo. It’s gonna be okay. You can pull yourself back together. It’s fine.

That song got me through college, my internship, my thesis – really, SHINee is a big reason why I graduated at all and my parents should be very thankful.

Infinitely less cringey and something I keep thinking about now as an adult is something my bias Key said in one interview.

“Every field has swans and chickens. The thing I find saddest is not a chicken chasing after a swan and dying without becoming one. It’s when a chicken can’t live like a chicken.”

Here, he describes that there are those who were naturally blessed with talents and gifts. Then he describes himself as a “chicken” who has to struggle when swimming in the pond with the graceful swans.

And I think it keeps popping up in my mind because: a.) I love, admire, and respect Key all the more for it (who is so creative and extraordinary in his own right) and b.) That is the lifelong fight I have to face, where I’m not too gifted nor too determined to pursue anything in particular, so I have to work hard and do things my way in order to be happy.

For a long time, I’ve measured my success by the others’ worldview of success. Now that I haven’t been particularly successful or strong enough with my first job, it’s easy for me to think I’m some kind of failure – an overachieving child who couldn’t bring it on.

But really, Key’s words are comforting because it asks what is the point of being traditionally successful when you could be successful in your own eyes? Why do we have to chase after everyone else, when we could be happy and creative in our own way?

This is my reflection, after three years with SHINee. Nothing holds them back because they’re not too focused on following the trend. They are unapologetically and unabashedly being themselves and trying new things – so that’s why they’re appeal endures.

I hope to spend many more years basking in their light, and to live the rest of my life as a happy chicken.

I forgot to blog last week. I’d been too caught up in completing the documents needed for my resignation. In other words…

I’M A FREE WOMAN!

Today is my first day being jobless since college ended, and what a pleasantnday it has been so far.

I woke up at 6:30 to do some exercise and yoga, then I had breakfast with banana milk, and I got to take my time in the shower.

Now I am writing, and maybe later I can read and paint and plan on embroidering a denim jacket….

While there is no certainty with what I will do to earn my bread, well… there is not much certainty on Earth these days.

This week has been the beginning of the biggest worldwide crisis in recent memory, and there are no signs of it stopping soon. I pray everyone will stay safe and healthy, and that all the governments do their part this time.

Welcome, dear viewers (mostly imagined) to a blog idea I was urged to act on this week. I’m going to show the contents of this orange box of personal keepsakes. The box itself is from my cousin, who made these for a local hotel for their Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival Mooncakes.

There are two “floors” in the box in my mind. This is the upper floor, which will be unpacked in the next image.

#1 and #9 are birthday gifts from my friend Char, who knows I collect pins: there’s one about adulting that says “Oh yes. I absolutely have no idea.”, two sparkly ones inspired by two favorite Red Velvet title tracks of mine, and the Ladybug – Chat Noir pair designed by a local artist. #11 is the wrapping it came in. I missed seeing Char’s handwriting which is why I kept it.

#2 is a squishy cat gift from a caregroup leader, while #3 is a gift from a colleague who travelled to Thailand and says the charms are lucky. #4 is also a gift from that same colleague, and it’s a pin that says “Always Tired.”

#5 is yet another gift from the same caregroup leader – it’s supposed to be a clay keychain of Nam Joo Hyuk’s character from Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo. #6a-c are stickers made by the Rizal Library Ambassadors – my org of two years back in college.

#7 is a Park Bo Gum pin I won when I won a Twitter raffle of Park Bo Gum Indonesia during the 2017 Music Bank in Singapore. #8 is a gift from my friend Pong – it’s a teeny tiny book of Jane Austen quotes she picked up in London. #10 is a small duck figurine two of my friends bought for me during a high school field trip.

#12 and #13 are respective SHINee Key merch – one is a pin that says KEY in Korean, while the other is a small keychain where you can switch out small photos of SHINee, like a modern day Victorian locket.

#1 is a pair of Suho socks I bought a week ago! Admittedly, it doesn’t look quite like him.

#2 are presents from my sister from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Japan. I got a Slytherin and Ravenclaw cards from the Chocolate Frogs, which I’m happy about since they’re my House founders. My sister also bought me a Time-Turner.

#3 is a photo of Key.

#4 is a photo of Key THAT CAN BE USED AS A BAG TAG.

#5 came from the Red Velvet hand fans I ordered the last time, so those are stickers for the fan – I think. I don’t want to use them yet.

#6 is another bag tag from the SHILLA Beauty Concert my sister attended, when Red Velvet and SHINee were promoting for it.

#7 are cut-outs of Suho and Baekhyun from their Pepero endorsements, while #8 is a calligraphied name of mine given by a friend who asked her friend to do it. #9 is a postcard I got when I ordered the Lizzie Bennet Diaries box set, many many moons ago.

I like looking at the inside of this box because I’m reminded of things I love wholeheartedly, almost shamelessly. It doesn’t matter s much to me anymore if people don’t understand why these things are important to me. They just are. That’s love.

Till next time!